I have always been a weird kid, but the outgoing type of weird; if that makes any sense. Different, hard to be around, hard to understand. I always have something to say, but I don’t always find that it is necessary to speak; or at least I learned that as I grew. While being a teenager, being that way never bothered me; I was happy, I was “cool”. I had the right amount of friends, my own “squad”, friends that I handpicked. I had amazing grades, a good social life, and a nice environment. I had an ok family; a mom that didn’t always get me, but loved me like no one ever will. Only to realize time can be so cruel. Time has taken so much from me; so much! Happiness, hope, beauty… Now, It would not be fair of me if I didn’t say that time has given me many things, that are in fact, good things. Experiences, the opportunity to meet new souls, new places and spaces, but most important of all, it gave me a good notion of reality. A reality that lived out there, outside of my sparkling gelatin house. Until it melted; then I saw. I learned! Although, it was not the type of learning where you feel realized or somewhat relieved. On the contrary, it beaten the light out of me. Twenty-two, and now I’m more guarded than ever. Not allowing entering, not allowing exiting. Building walls, building distance, starting to romanticize solitude. But I’m not scare of being hurt, or alone; that’s not the reason. It is because, as bad (and unlike me) that sounds, I’m tired of giving. Giving myself to those who cannot understand, or love me the way I NEED them to. We all are so different, therefore we often need different ways to be treated. And I know! I know and believe that we shouldn’t give to receive, but with time, it drains, it burns the deepest fibers inside of you. Not being able to talk to them like they do it with you. Not being able to feel, like they feel with you. Not being able to have love, as they have it with you. However, maybe, just maybe… I don’t think so. Happy day to me.
-Clara Villaman Pastrano (©2017)